So. As some of my readers may or may not know, I have relocated. I am now living in an apartment. Also, as anyone who knows me is aware I LIEK CATZ.

So I adopted a cat. I named him Dr. Faust. (not mr. not professor… he’s an MD)

He’s amazing. Despite being declawed he’s still a friggen brute. He’s so chatty. All he does is talk at me. He won’t drink from the water dish, ONLY fresh water from the tap. Prissy doctor asshole…

Anyway, as this blog is about fail I will include a horrid anecdote about getting this cat.

Ahem.

On a blistering hot day, (think 100F or 38C) we got the call to pick up this poor abused kitty about an hour away from our new home. James and I immediately hopped into action! Despite a lack of proper air conditioning, we selected a larger vehicle as our means of transportation. This was a plan we would learn to regret… I acquired quite a mustache of sweat on my saga, and I’m pretty sure James’ testicles were fused to his leg, but we did finally reach our destination. We met the cat lady, obtained the cat, and hopped in the car. The previous owner’s final words seemed to slip right by us… “He gets the poops when he’s nervous.”

We thought nothing of this warning, and began the adventure. The cat did not like being in the car though. A quick meowmeowsquirtfartsplat was a sure enough sign. The car was already BOILING, so the smell of rancid nervous cat feces really didn’t add to the experience. We gagged the whole ride home, and immediately washed the cat’s soiled ass in the kitchen sink. He’s declawed in the front so it certainly wasn’t as bad as it could have been.

Let me ask you, tumblr readers, have you ever washed poop off an angry and scared cat? Don’t do it. Water, poop, tears, and blood were flying around the kitchen. When we thought it was over we took a breath of relief only to still smell the cat’s odorous anus… we washed him again… AND AGAIN. trying to rid this cat of his rancid stench. finally we resorted to using a strong smelling manly body wash… now the cat smells like a guido… or a pimp.

THA END. <3

I got my wisdom teeth taken out. Aside from living off pain killers, I don’t really know what to do with myself… Or my teeth, considering I kept them.

SO, what it all comes down to, is I’m going to do some pretty weird stuff with them. I’m going to make jewlery (rings, bracelets, tongue rings… the works) and give them to people as “presents”

I am also going to mail them to people. Maybe people I don’t know… Maybe bill collectors.

I’m gonna make this as weird as humanly possible… Mark my words.

Pokemon Black is both addicting and depressing. I can’t put it down.

In order to be on any sports team, you need to have some kind of skills. Some people are massive and scary. Some people are good at the aforementioned sport. Some people look good in the scandalous uniforms… And then there’s me. I use the art of distraction to bring my team to victory.

Men, ladies, trannies, cats… relax. I’ll still be clad in ridic shorts, as any female should be when bouncing around.

Upon conferencing with my team, we needed to assign positions. The conversation went like most conversations do, in which I start every sentence with, “NO. LISTEN. GUIZ. NO SERIOUSLY GUIZ… REALLY… GUIS LISTEN.”

And that explains my comic strip.(If that’s what we’re calling it, anyway.)

“No, listen guiz. I’ll wear m— …listen. I’ll wear my wolf shirt and my zebra shorts… guiz…. GUIZ… I’ll be distracting.”
“Whoa… Look, it’s a pair of giant breasts attached to a woman.”
“GUIZ.”

Navi, I feel your pain.

YOU SAY ITS YOUR BIRTHDAYO0O0O0O0O WELL ITS MAH BIRTHDAY TOO YEAHHHHHHHHHHH…AHHHHHH….. AH!

happy birthday to me.

i got an air horn you see

alex is afraid of my ballooooooon

and i’m eating chinese food.

ps. thanks katherine for the awesome cupcakes.

listen to enrique iglesias; tonight. the best part is when he goes O0O0O0OOOOHOOHOOOHOOOOOOOOOO0O0Ooo0o0o0oOooooooo!!!!!!…! oo!

As some people may or may not know, my grandmother is essentially on her death bed. Such an occurance requires some contact with people in Hospice to ensure her comfort during this time. Sadly, however… I have a terrible habit of thinking about other things in uncomfortable situations, which in turn usually makes things a lot worse…

So, standing in the depths of the hospital, in a small room that smelled of anti-bacterial handsoap and fake plants, I listened intently to the explanation given by the social workers. My mother expressed herself as the primary medical caretaker, thus made most of the decisions… The conversation really didn’t involve me. One thing lead to another and I ended up thinking about cats. (What else is new.) The conversation unfolded like so.

Social Worker 1: So life support will end around February 22.

Mom: That’s fine. We just need to make sure she’s as comfortable as possible in these last few days.

Social Worker 2: You’re both really taking this rather well. It’s hard to maintain your composure through such a hard time.

Mom: We do our best to keep our sanity—

Me: HAHAHAHAH! Ahem. Oh… Sorry. I was just… Uh.

And there you have it. Def awk. I’ll be posting more when things simmer down.

Suddenly I have come down with a life changing illness. Yes, that’s right… I’m vomiting rainbows. It’s not even that kind of throw up where you can excuse yourself, or even dodge behind a shrub… It just gets you. The lovely diagrams above show a few of the places I have faced my spontaneous facial flowings. Michael’s craft store is numero uno. An elderly woman was standing across from me as I was staring down some fake flowers, next thing I knew the fake flowers were drenched with my stomach acid. I tried to dismiss myself and just hop in a line to buy my goods but it was of no use, someone I went to high school with works there… The conversation went a bit like this.

Girl: Oh my god, ew. Hey! Do you see how gross people are?!

Me: Heh… Oh yeah pretty nasty.

Old Lady: Are you okay? You look like you’ll be sick again…

Girl: THIS WAS YOU???!!!

Me: …UH. Small world! I’d clean it but I’d probably just… y’know.. again..

So thanks again, old crafty lady, for ruining my highschool reputation. I am now forever known as that chick who puked on the flowers. (Unimaginative school.)

Another horrid example is when walking the dog. I was simply trotting down the block when someone in their driveway told me how beautiful my dog was. I tried to say thanks but all I could manage was BLEHKSHFKDJHHAHAHHAHAHAAAAARRRR.

Cute.

Then there was at a stoplight. I had to go place an order for chinese food for my chinese culture club. Leave it to the chinese to disregard ones health and force them into action! At the stoplight, a very angry truck was behind me as I was taking it slow and didn’t challenge death through a yellow light. As I waited at the red with Mr. Ragetruck behind me I rolled down my window to show him my middle finger but was interrupted by facial flowings. The honking stopped, at least.

Finally, answering the phone. Not the most beautiful sound to hear. I was getting a callback from a college, and instead of thanking them so much for taking the time to reschedule my meeting with their admissions department the conversation ended with thank you soOJODIHFDKJGH OH GOD…

and that is all.

for now.

DUN DUN….DUNNNN.

Is it really raining men? I guess someone should summon inglip and take care of this shit.